Top reasons you might be Russian Orthodox:
•• You can automatically subtract 13 days from today’s date.
• On your first encounter with long words, you pronounce them stressing the ‘next to the next to last’ syllable.
• You wonder why the Pope crosses himself backwards when you see him on TV.
• You wear comfortable shoes to church, because you know you’ll be standing a long, long time.
• To you, a ‘topless’ gal is one without a headscarf.
• You get great deals on Christmas trees and Easter candy.
• You spend time figuring out the best way to remove smoke stains from your ceiling.
• When you see a shopping-mall Santa, your first instinct is to hold out your hands to get his blessing.
• Before you pray, you say a prayer.
• You don’t flinch when someone throws water at you.
• When you first tell people who ask what religion you are, at first they think you’re Jewish. Oy!
• You’re experienced at removing wax from clothing.
• When you go to the movies, you and your spouse sit on different sides of the theatre (and you both feel uncomfortable sitting down in public).
• The service routinely starts at least 15 minutes late and lasts 2 ½ hours — and nobody around you complains.
• You know you’re in an Orthodox church when the priest says, ‘Let us complete our prayer to the Lord’, and there’s still half an hour to go.
• (Slavic) Every woman in church is called Mary, Irene or Helen.
• (Convert) There’s somebody in your church called Barsanuphius and you think nothing of it.
• You find yourself instinctively drawn to jurisdictional chaos. ‘I don’t believe in organized religion; I’m Orthodox!’
• At the end of Holy Week, you have rug burns on your forehead.
• Your Easter isn’t Easter without an all-night party (featuring vodka and 10 dishes of sausage with cheese).
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